dumb

Why am I so lazy? I've managed to do just enough since last Thursday to survive, but other than that I've accomplished nothing. Everytime I get excited about turning my life around and coming out of the rut, I dig in deeper until I get sick of myself and try to get out of it again. Sometimes I make it back to "scraping by" status, but I never do much better than that. I need a personal trainer or a tutor or a baby sitter of somesort that can kick me in the butt. I'd probably hate whoever it was, but I'd ask them to keep it up if they didn't think I wanted them there because of it. Does that make sense? The truth is that I reject help from people who can really push me to my potential, because, on the surface, I don't want to reach my potential, but deep down inside I want them to push harder because I know I won't push myself. I'm lazy and unmotivated, and I can't concentrate on any goals I make for myself. I'm more likely to keep a promise to someone esle than I am to keep one for myself. If I told myself to go weigtlifting or studying at the library, it just wouldn't end up happening because I'm not that important to myself, but if I told someone else that I would meet them there, I would probably make it there. I'd probably be late, but I'd at least go. What is my problem? Why can't I be motivated? Why can't I see the bigger picture without being overwhelmed? Am I the only one that can't handle these things?

You know what relief is?

Relief is knowing that you're done with classes for the day even though you know that you have a $#!t-ton of homework to do by tomorrow and the next day.