The scale of dreams

Scott is dreaming smaller dreams for now...

These are a few of the things.

My main problem is that I fail to do things that I should. I haven't made time for anything important lately. I don't read material for classes, I don't make time for the help sessions provided for classes that I need it. I've been behind in one class and so I avoided it out of shame for the last couple of weeks (that's about the stupidest thing I could have done). I haven't made time to read the bible, go to church or some kind of bible study/church group like CRU in several weeks. I haven't been paying attention to or contacting friends as much as I should, in some cases not at all, for example I haven't read Sarah's blog in a really long time.

I recognize and understand all of these problems, but these things have made me feel less than excited about achieving any of my goals. I see consequenses for doing something wrong or inadequate but somehow the rewards are not getting through to me. If I know about them they somehow aren't enough to motivate me to avoid the consequenses. I'm running from my problems, but I can't make my legs stop moving, I can't even make my head turn back to look at them. Deep down inside do I want myself to fail? If that is the case, what is wrong with me? What is the reason for all of this? I'm failing at life right now. Rest assured I'll NEVER "quit" but if I can't somehow get my act together, it's just the same. Making your list of smoothie resolutions is easy enough, but to follow them can go quite a bit less than smooth.

This was on the radio and I just realized how much it fits my current status.

Linkin Park- Given Up

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like i'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy
I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
I don't know what to take
Thougt i was focused but i'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares
I'm my own worst enemy
I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my, put me out of my fucking misery
I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

** I hate homework.

Let the Smoothie Resolutions Begin!

I know it’s late for New Year’s Resolutions, but some major changes are in order, so I’m making my Smoothie Resolutions instead.

1. Become closer to HIM. Always seek HIM. 'nuff said.

2. Don’t make things more complicated than they really are. Make things simple. Do what is necessary first and enjoy it, so that if the “fun” doesn’t come, it won’t be missed.

3. Do not depend on friends and/or family to help you work out your own problems. Do not hope that someone depends on you to get something done as a means of motivation. Rely on your OWN well being as a motivation to succeed at what you do. (This has been a major problem for you, fix it!)

4. Do homework, do it well, and do it on time. Master your time management skills. (This is also a major problem.)

5. Stay fit. Run, lift weights in a balanced work out (all muscles equally, not just the major ones), do Yoga/Pilates. Bike and swim often and for long periods of time. Enjoy the outdoors this summer and every summer as much as possible. Train for RAGBRAI one day… or the ride that crosses Minnesota.

6. Eat healthy. Have at least 1 fruit and 1 vegetable at every meal. Have a smoothie! Have three reasonable sized meals a day. Avoid eating out, especially fast food, and especially fast food when you’re by yourself.

7. Find a job. Make money. Save a lot of that money. (Eat parents food, when you’re home.) Line up another job for the coming winter while I’m away at college again. Make more money. Save more money.

That’s the perfect number of resolutions for now.

Test 2: Arch 222

I actually studied, before the night before the test. I'm so happy for how well I think I might have done, that I promise right now (as long as I don't forget) that next Friday, when we get our tests back, I will stand up in class and Yell "Whooo hooo!" if I get a B or better, because that would be the best I have ever done on a test in that class. Arch 222 is exactly the same as Arch 221 (which I took last semester), just the continuation of it. So yes, on all the tests we had last semester and the one we had so far this semester I have yet to get better than a C. They are really hard for me and I have a hard time even finishing them. Even this time, when I was confident for a good majority of the material on the test, I still had trouble getting it all down on paper by the time the class was over. :P You'd think that the professor would get the hint from the low averages of the class, and make the tests a little easier, but the few who do well and excel at his game, have apparently convinced him to continue to do it the way I'm sure he has done for so long.
*Excitement*
I've seen this: "XD" recently and I'm not sure what to make of it but I'm going to assume that it's a big happy, squinting, animae face because that's what I think it looks like, in which case...
XD, because I'm very happy right now.

Awesome Song On Itunes Radio!

Mark Brown f/Sarah Cracknell- The Journey Continues (Vocal Radio Edit)

Two friends, one scott.

Two of my room mates are relatively new friends of mine. They are so simular and yet so different. Both are quiet, caring and giving friends but, one of them likes things to be out in the open and on the table and is a very strongly opinionated person, while the other holds true in all aspects of being a quiet person, sometimes slipping things under the table, and avoids conflict. It's kind of hard to be both of their friends when they both dislike each other so much, but I like them both, they are both good people...

**shakes head** what to do, what to do?

Back on my feet today.

That was a figure of speech, I am in full health again, at least I feel that way. I also am feeling exceptional about the fact that I didn't have to take my usual quiz for Agron today, because it's not due until Wednesday and I actually got done with the my Arch assignment this time, which I hadn't done for the past two weeks. I'm so excited I'll probably spend my Friday night doing homework, rather than wasting it on mindless entertainment like TV and video games. Later tonight I might also go over to my old dorm to check on some old friends that are still over there, so there may be some time wasted, but it will be time well wasted, with friends.

In other news I found out that I got a C on a test that I expected to get a D on and a D on a test I expected to fail. I did myself one better than I thought I could. I know I can do better (much better) on the next tests, I just have to spend time on the material, and get as much help from the professors, TA's and well, if I have to the text books.

On that same note, even though I'm feeling really joyous and positive right now, I have one negative thing to add to the post: me complaining about the way I learn compared to others.
A letter to the self learners:

Dear self learners,
Please stop setting the standards. Stop making teachers think that we should be able to do that. If you want to learn so much, drop out of school, pack up your books, and go learn them, become the next William or Michael, go on make millions and billions, your losing money as we speak spending your time here in school. As for me I will stay here in school and continue to try and pay teachers for what I came here for, teaching. I need to be taught in order to learn. I need to be spoon fed information. I have a lot of trouble taking anything from a book's text and being able to apply it, unless that very text is read to me or rephrased by someone who does understand the material. So again I say to you, stop making it hard for me... unless you want to stick around and help me?

There, the end, I'm done complaining about my shortcomings.
This Extra February Post was brought to you by the leap year. WHOO HOO!

Oh I almost forgot, I may change the layout of my blog soon, with the new upgraded features. I'll miss this old color scheme. I know for some of you this page may be messed up due to my lack of html writing knowledge. It's supposed to have orange text posts in a wide left sided column and the left side there is a skinny column of links and side info of a light and dark blue color with yellow Titles dotting the entire layout, but for some browsers, like FireFox, it sometimes centralizes all the text into the center of the page, makes it the light blue color of the side bar and places the left side bar under everything (I think on the right side of the page instead of the left like it's supposed to be). It looks fine in IE7, I don't know what firefox's problem is. I hate that browser, when I had it on my computer it always had to jiggle the page every time it loaded a new one, I got headache and feared I was going to have a seizure after navigating like 5 pages. I'm glad Microsoft copied firefox's designs, they did it better.

So hot, and so cold.

I'm pretty sure I have a fever, and I hope it doesn't turn out to be the flu. Word is that it's going around my campus and it lasts around five days or so.

:-P I have a test to study for on Monday and a lot of homework to do, and I certainly don't feel like studying. I'm going to try doing a Yoga workout and fixing myself a fruit smoothie, perhaps that will help my immune system fight harder. Then hopefully I will feel better to study.

I was inspired to write this.

I sit alone in my room, staring at the empty wall with the door in it, not wanting to leave, and not having to do so either. I know literally what is behind the door, yet, I still wonder what is on the other side. It seems like something else is there, something that I wouldn't be able to see, something that I wouldn't necessarily know if I found it. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic and I have to open the door, open the shade and sometimes even the window. I feel I have to talk to a room mate, sign into aol, or leave a message on some one's facebook wall before I feel okay again, but tonight, I feel safe enclosed in my little room. Sometimes it's more extreme than this, sometimes I want nothing more than to crawl within a small dark space and remain there for a good amount of time doing and thinking of nothing. When I'm there, I'm not sad, or happy, or mad, or lonely, although sometimes I go there because I feel alone. The thing is, that only when I'm in the nothing, am I aware of the something. I may never know what that something is, but I know it is only there when there is nothing.

I lost, but don't despair

I lost the first two matches of my intramural wrestling bracket, which means I'm out of the competition. I forgot how much conditioning it took to be in shape for wrestling season in high school. That and I didn't realize how much my coach helped us out in that area without me knowing it. I made it through the first period no problem, but started to feel a little exhausted during the second period. In the first match I got pinned, so it ended there, but in the second match I only lost by a couple points, which means I had to wrestle the third period and I was definitely "gassed" as we used to say. I don't feel too bad about losing though, I'm glad to have wrestled, both matches were good work outs.

I had a history test on Friday, which is why I haven't blogged in the last week, too busy preparing for that and a quiz I had in another class, not that it did any good for the history test. Blah, I really need to start studying for his tests sooner, he makes it really hard. Sadly I finished the test. I know what your thinking, "Isn't that a good thing?" Well no, it's not because I didn't know a lot the answers so I guessed and filled in some bogus answers for the ones I didn't know which made those parts go by faster therefore allowing me to finish faster. I have been better prepared for his tests in the past, but in those cases, it has taken me too long to finish answering all the questions with the correct content. That's the sad part, the fact that I know I did bad on a test because I was able to finish it and knowing I would've done better had I not been able finish it. I can't help it if I'm a slow test taker, I always have been, whether I know the material or not. I don't know how I would be able to fix something like that.

Bible study tonight, and my room mate should be coming this time too. I'm excited again.

**Note to Sarah. Sorry about last post Sarah. I didn't mean to upset you, but I wish you would tell me how you feel about it, I fear you've boycotted talking to me, perhaps for more than just that reason. I hope you really just haven't been able to check back and/or reply because you were busy or gone or something. That would be a relief.

Wrestling, Bible Study, Rearragement of room, hw

I signed up for Intramural Wrestling this year. My first match is on Tuesday @ 5:oo PM. It's going to be really fun, I haven't wrestled in three years, and I miss it. It was my favorite sport, the only sport that I could completely zone everything else out and concentrate on just that. And I like not having to depend on your teammates to do well in order for you to succeed. Don't get me wrong, when I was in high school, I loved it when my whole team won a dual, but was still glad that I could be the decider of my own record. The other thing is that I like is that you get direct feedback for every move you make, and you can put your whole self into it. To elaborate on that, let me compare for you my football experience. I was the wide receiver, and on our team, the only way you were going to that feeling was if you were the full back about every three out of four plays... while on offense. As the wide receivers, we took in plays and therefore you only got to play once every three or four plays... while on offense, on top of the fact that they rarely ever threw the ball. Not a lot of involvement in football compared to wrestling. Plus I like the satisfaction of knowing that you really worked your tail off, and you can feel the exhaustion in almost every single muscle in your body at the end of a good hard match. I'll definitely be back to tell you how the match was.

On the other end of the spectrum, We're starting up Bible Study again, and I'm totally super excited for that. I don't like going to church very much but I feel like I need to have God remind me that he's there through something like a bible study or... church (if I have to, I guess). I especially don't like Catholic services because they are too strict and traditional. My room mate has a good point in that those new churches seem like a sort of marketing type of scheme in which the church has changed it's look and feel but "same great product." And while I agree that that seems a little manipulative after considering it, it doesn't make much of a difference to me, I still like those new churches, because of a few other factors that seem to outweigh that point of view.

First: Catholic services are so boringly traditional that I find it hard to concentrate on the Word, let alone to pull anything useful from it. Second: All of the propperness, tradition and ritual that have been built up seem like a bunch of bologna, because I'm pretty sure God doesn't give a flying horse $#!+ (excuse my language) about how expensive your "Sunday Best" outfit was. I think he'd really be just as happy if not more happy if people stop trying to be so proper and respectful with traditions, rituals, nice clothing, and (extremely) appropriate small talk before and after service. Don't get caught up in all that bologna people. "Come as you are" and JUST praise him. Third: All of those carefully carried out traditions that take place during mass, only leave about 10 or 15 minutes of true learning and taking in the Word of God. Considering how many people only ever think about God, when they grudgingly go to church on Sunday morning, 10-15 minutes is a horrible and disgraceful amount of time to be taking in that goodness and knowledge.

I don't even usually go to church because of all these things. If I wanted to go more regularly I'd have to find one of those new churches with a more upbeat atmosphere that was a little more concentrated on learning the Word of God than trying to be respectful to him. You can be friendly to somebody and appear to respect them, but until you stop putting up that front, pull down that wall of (almost fake) kindess, and get to know that person you can't truly call them your friend and you can't truly respect them. I see it the same way with God. I know it seems contradictory of me not to go to Church when I'm complaining about barely getting any time to spend on getting to know God, well it is contradictory. But believe me, I think that the 10-15 minutes are worth the hour per week, but all those things I mentioned make me so mad that it becomes very un-enjoyable for me to go at all. And my one last thought on the subject is that the new Christian music is not a marketing ploy to get young adults to come to their new style of church. Think about it, if Christian musicians singing Christian songs were in music for gain they probably wouldn't be singing Christian music. It would seem more logical if those musicians were simply musicians who are really passionate about their beliefs and therefore they make music about it.

Also I rearranged my room yesterday. When the fall semester started I tried 4 or 5 different arrangements until I found one that was not only highly functional and compartmentalized, but also made for a small and cozy atmosphere. Over the semester though, that small and cozy feeling became small and crammed and I was just feeling a bit stuffy from it being the same ol' same ol' set up for so long. So now I rearranged it, and managed to make it even more functional than before (because I can reach almost everything from my bed), and it is still well organized/compartmentalized, just less aesthetically pleasing and less cozy. On the other hand, considering the incredibly small size of the room in the first place, it's hard for it not to have some amount of coziness. And it being less cozy is a good thing since I was feeling a bit stuffy about the old set up. And why did I just write a whole paragraph about rearranging my room? Well, spacial organization is something that I think highly of as a wanna be architect. Function, (versatility, efficiency, organization) aesthetics, structure= Architecture.

So I should probably do some homework now. I'll be back in couple days.

Spring '08 Schedule

I totally forgot to post this, not that anyone really needs to know this.

Monday
-Arch 222 9:00-9:50
-Agron 156 4:10-5:00

Tuesday
-Econ 101 9:30-10:45
-Dsn s 183 11:00-12:30
-Acct 284 12:40-2:00

Wednesday
-Arch 222 9:00-9:50
-Agron 156 10:00-11:50

Thursday
-Econ 101 9:30-10:45
-Dsn s 183 11:00-12:30
-Acct 284 12:40-2:00

Friday
-Arch 222 10:00-10:50

Weight lifting everyday mon. through thur. somewhere between 4 and 6 PM and in the early morning on fri.

I was going to finally come back to write something for you to read...

yesterday... about the final weeks of the semester and my Christmas break.

I didn't.

This is me. This is how I do.

I'm a pretty lazy person. I can't figure out why. I was thinking to myself this morning in the first of my Tuesday/Thursday classes, I could ace every one of the classes that I've ever taken and I could do the same for these ones too. But I haven't done that. I mean, I've gotten at least a couple of A's, but I'm definately no A student. I know an A student though, and I think she's pretty cool. I think she's more than cool, but that's not what I came here to say. So, as I thought this to myself this morning, I found a problem with this and I said in retaliation to myself, 'you idiot! If you're so smart then why the hell haven't you done anything to prove it, if not for anyone else than at least to yourself?'

And still here I sit, with a building anxiety towards my homework. It's only the second day of the semester and I already have an anxiety problem with my homework. Homework has never been my strong point, especially turning it in on time.

I'm just going to change the subject a little bit. My favorite job ever was working construction, it's practically mindless, and yet through hard work, many things can be accomplished. What I like most about it, is the hard work. Not to be confused with work like an office job, I'm talking physical work, the kind when it's at least 90 degrees outside and your muscles ache. Physical work is satisfying, healthy, not to mention it payed pretty well for how little you had to think.

Did you know that you can be a CPO? A certified public organizer. I could do that with my eyes closed, I can't help it, I won't settle for less when it comes to defining and organizing a space. I know a lot of people are like that, but it's one of the traits that I have that I kind of pride myself on. Or rather, it is one of the things that I use to define myself. The thing is though, is that this trait that I possess and hold dear, is also very useful in designing buildings, which I think is going to be way more fun, as long as I can squeeze just a little creativity out of myself.

In the back of my mind I sometimes think to myself that for all the thing that I stand for, I could make it in life with just a part time job. By part time job I mean working full time in a job that a high schooler could be working "part time" like at a grocery store or as a construction worker. A simple life. I know there a lot of people who do it. But there are at least three thing stopping me.
One is that I am super cheap and I couldn't stand to let all the money that was spent on my college education go to waste. It would hurt me to see all that money gone, not because I'm greedy or starving for money, but because it would mean in relavance to the amount of money these colleges are asking for, that this whole thing was a VERY bad desicion. I'm not willing to admit that because I think I can prove that it was in fact a good decision. And for the sake of sounding as positive as I really am, I'll say that I know I can prove it. I think that is what penny pinching is really all about, and it just adds insult to injury if you're poor, which I'm almost there, at least that's how I feel, but who doesn't feel poor, William Gates?
Two is that I am scared to death of some of the social lives and lifestyles that I have seen in working those very part time jobs as a high schooler. It doesn't look to promising.
Three is the collective knowledge that I have gained over the years with such an interest in Architecture. Why would I leave behind my passion and all of that knowledge just because there's an inkling of doubt in my mind that I won't succeed, or because I think I could do just as well or better doing something I'm may or may not enjoy for the rest of my life. No! You will have to tell me I've failed twice at my dreams before I surrender to the part time world.

Now all I have to do is work up enough anxiety right here and now to finally do my homework before it is late so that for once I can know what it feels like to be a successfull student.

I have no excuses and I stopped making them up a long time ago. When I do bad, I simply say that I am lazy and I should have done better. No excuses!

Yea, I feel better to have all of these contradicting and confusing thoughts out of my head. enjoy