Self Awareness.

Last year, was my first year out on my own with no parents to answer to. I was all about finding out new things about myself that I hadn't been aware of before, I was constantly coming up with new ways that I could descibe myself and what I was about.

Now, I know all these things and I wonder if I know too much or at least I think I do. Its not helping me. I know that I'm not doing well in school and that I've become very lazy that I seriously lack motivation but I can't do anything to stop myself from causing more problems for me. My hypothesis is that somewhere along the line in the past years I 've lost something, perhaps a point of view, a lifestyle, some friends I used to hang out with, some beliefs that held my life together, I don't know what but something, or maybe a collection of small things, changes that have changed me.

I apologize to who ever reads these because my life hasn't been so well lately and it's just kinda sad and depressing. I have fun during the day, but it's pretty shallow fun and that's just not what usually comes to my mind when I have strong enough feelings that I feel like I should sit down and write something. Heck, I think I may have figured out why the NEWS is practically always negative, it's the most prominent in their minds. Good things on the NEWS are often shallow, lame or pathetic and that's why they don't put it on TV.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do about myself, but I have some ideas of what I might do. Going along with my hypothesis from earlier, I may have lost something, which may have left some sort of void or gap in my life, and so now I'm on a quest to fill that gap. I mean my life has become incredably minimal lately. All I do is go to school, and the grocery store. Sometimes I go to studio to work on a project or to the library to study, but as you might guess, that doesn't happen often, because I'm sucking at school right now. So maybe if I started going to some bible studies or organizations, or if I got a job I could begin to fill that gap. Maybe if I had just enough distraction it would allow me to concentrate every once in a while instead of being so absent minded all the time and not doing my homework. I dread doing my homework, more than YOU think is possible normal students of the world.

Don't be worried though folks, the gap hasn't got me thinking scuicidal thoughts or of taking up drugs and/or alchohol, I would never resort to any of those to try to fill gaps or solve my problems.

I just don't know what to do, its like when writers get writers block, only have [motivation to live for anything or do anything] block. I have developed some wierd ways of being lately too. I feel a bit claustrophobic, I leave the door of my bedroom open to the rest of the apartment at night when I sleep, I used to have a curtain and a shade, but the shade has been up for weeks and the curtain pulled to the side for the last week, and sometimes I open the window even if it's cold out. I feel depressed because I suck so bad at school and that I have nothing else to do except watch TV, play video games and surf the internet.

I'm losing my will to do anything at all, and I need help...

So many things to be aware of and yet I haven't been able to bring myself to change any of it for the better. It just gets worse.