I was going to finally come back to write something for you to read...

yesterday... about the final weeks of the semester and my Christmas break.

I didn't.

This is me. This is how I do.

I'm a pretty lazy person. I can't figure out why. I was thinking to myself this morning in the first of my Tuesday/Thursday classes, I could ace every one of the classes that I've ever taken and I could do the same for these ones too. But I haven't done that. I mean, I've gotten at least a couple of A's, but I'm definately no A student. I know an A student though, and I think she's pretty cool. I think she's more than cool, but that's not what I came here to say. So, as I thought this to myself this morning, I found a problem with this and I said in retaliation to myself, 'you idiot! If you're so smart then why the hell haven't you done anything to prove it, if not for anyone else than at least to yourself?'

And still here I sit, with a building anxiety towards my homework. It's only the second day of the semester and I already have an anxiety problem with my homework. Homework has never been my strong point, especially turning it in on time.

I'm just going to change the subject a little bit. My favorite job ever was working construction, it's practically mindless, and yet through hard work, many things can be accomplished. What I like most about it, is the hard work. Not to be confused with work like an office job, I'm talking physical work, the kind when it's at least 90 degrees outside and your muscles ache. Physical work is satisfying, healthy, not to mention it payed pretty well for how little you had to think.

Did you know that you can be a CPO? A certified public organizer. I could do that with my eyes closed, I can't help it, I won't settle for less when it comes to defining and organizing a space. I know a lot of people are like that, but it's one of the traits that I have that I kind of pride myself on. Or rather, it is one of the things that I use to define myself. The thing is though, is that this trait that I possess and hold dear, is also very useful in designing buildings, which I think is going to be way more fun, as long as I can squeeze just a little creativity out of myself.

In the back of my mind I sometimes think to myself that for all the thing that I stand for, I could make it in life with just a part time job. By part time job I mean working full time in a job that a high schooler could be working "part time" like at a grocery store or as a construction worker. A simple life. I know there a lot of people who do it. But there are at least three thing stopping me.
One is that I am super cheap and I couldn't stand to let all the money that was spent on my college education go to waste. It would hurt me to see all that money gone, not because I'm greedy or starving for money, but because it would mean in relavance to the amount of money these colleges are asking for, that this whole thing was a VERY bad desicion. I'm not willing to admit that because I think I can prove that it was in fact a good decision. And for the sake of sounding as positive as I really am, I'll say that I know I can prove it. I think that is what penny pinching is really all about, and it just adds insult to injury if you're poor, which I'm almost there, at least that's how I feel, but who doesn't feel poor, William Gates?
Two is that I am scared to death of some of the social lives and lifestyles that I have seen in working those very part time jobs as a high schooler. It doesn't look to promising.
Three is the collective knowledge that I have gained over the years with such an interest in Architecture. Why would I leave behind my passion and all of that knowledge just because there's an inkling of doubt in my mind that I won't succeed, or because I think I could do just as well or better doing something I'm may or may not enjoy for the rest of my life. No! You will have to tell me I've failed twice at my dreams before I surrender to the part time world.

Now all I have to do is work up enough anxiety right here and now to finally do my homework before it is late so that for once I can know what it feels like to be a successfull student.

I have no excuses and I stopped making them up a long time ago. When I do bad, I simply say that I am lazy and I should have done better. No excuses!

Yea, I feel better to have all of these contradicting and confusing thoughts out of my head. enjoy